Photo credit: Indre Pauraite Photography

Fights between partners happen to the best of us. I think it’s a normal part of any relationship. It’s not a question of IF we should fight, it’s a question of HOW we can fight more effectively. In fact, I believe that married couples who don’t have any conflict are often the ones who end up in divorce. If one or both partners are indifferent toward their relationship, they don’t care enough to even fight, and therefore they part ways. Some of the best breakthroughs in therapy come from couples finally being able to fight and let out their frustrations and negative emotions. I am not promoting heated and hurtful conflicts; but you need to learn to have conflicts with your partner in a constructive way, and it may actually bring you closer together.

Let me describe Dr. Gary Chapman’s 5 love languages, and provide specific recommendations on how to communicate more effectively according to each category and what you should avoid.

Words of affirmation: Your partner will enjoy encouragement, affirmations, active listening, and empathy. For example: your spouse comes home and tells you that she/he had a “shit day.” I would suggest sitting down with them, listening, asking questions, and providing encouragement and support. Avoid solution giving, criticism, telling them that “other people have it worse,” or listing all the things that went wrong with your day. The partner whose love language is words of affirmation will really enjoy random texts such as “I am thinking about you, I hope you are having a better day than yesterday” or “I can’t wait to cuddle with you tonight.”

Physical touch: This one is straightforward – you need to touch your partner more: hugs, kisses, holding hands, cuddling, massages, and sex. Oftentimes, men say they want sex and women say they want cuddles. If you know your partner needs physical touch, make an effort.

Receiving gifts: When I bring this one up, my clients usually respond with something like “I don’t have money for gifts.” It’s a common misperception that if your partner’s love language is receiving gifts, they want expensive things. It's not about the monetary value but the symbolic thought behind the item. For example, my husband and I were talking about my childhood and I mentioned that I always wanted to try to solve Rubik’s Cube since I couldn’t do it when I was a teenager. A couple of weeks later, I found a Rubik’s Cube sitting on the dashboard in my car. It was such a sweet and thoughtful gift and it wasn’t expensive. People with this love language recognize and value the gift-giving process: the careful reflection, the deliberate choosing of the object to represent the relationship, and the emotional benefits of receiving the present. You should avoid unenthusiastic gift receiving and forgetting special occasions such as birthdays and anniversaries. If you happen to forget, a sincere apology and changing your actions is most important to recover your relationship.

Quality time: People whose love language is quality time feel most loved when their partner wants to spend quality time with them. Active listening, eye contact, and full presence without your phone is how you show your partner you love them. I frequently suggest to couples to take up a hobby together or schedule uninterrupted time such as taking walks, exercising, or watching a show. Avoid interruptions, checking text messages, talking on your phone, and canceling plans. When you fight with your partner who values quality time, focus on being an active listener, don’t interrupt your partner, show empathy, and try to have eye contact with your partner as much as you can.

Acts of service: If your partner’s love language is acts of service, they will value it when you try to make their life easier. It's things like washing dishes, folding laundry, making them coffee in the morning, or offering to spend time with the kids so they can rest in bed and watch a TV show. The most important thing to avoid is not following through on your promises. No one likes to come home and find the house in disarray after they were promised a Martha Stewart looking home. If you happen to struggle to keep your word and follow through with your tasks, see if you can agree to more realistic and tangible things you can actually do. I have worked with many couples who avoided divorce simply by hiring someone to clean the house once a week. It’s a small price to pay if it means you could have a happy home. If you can’t afford to hire someone, maybe work with your partner on establishing a chores chart. Make sure you come up with a good reward for completing your chores that week! I believe that celebrating your wins is also very important in maintaining a healthy and happy relationship.

Understanding your partner’s love languages is a useful tool to improve how you communicate, express yourself, and fight with each other, but it shouldn't be the be-all-and-end-all solution for happiness. The most important thing to note about love languages is that you have to adapt yourself to your partner's love language, not demand that they use yours.

Once you identified your love language, try to think about your last conflict. What was the trigger? Was your partner hungry/tired/disappointed? What could you have done differently to prevent the fight?

It’s really hard to listen, compromise, and accept feedback if you are angry and irritated. I also suggest that my clients schedule a time to discuss their fights. If you are in a heated argument, say something like this: “I am too angry to listen and be kind. Can we calm down and talk about this tomorrow morning after we drop the kids off at school?” Setting aside time to work out disagreements allows both partners the space to regroup and prepare.

Avoid storming out of the room, because your partner will be left with a feeling of uncertainty. If you need a moment, I recommend saying something like this: “I need 10 minutes to calm down and I don’t want to say unkind words. I am going to go upstairs. I love you, I’m not going anywhere. I will be back once I am calm.”

Avoid blaming and complaining; try to make clear and reasonable requests. For example, instead of saying “you always make me feel like I don’t matter,” say something like this: “It makes me feel good when you ask for my opinion when you are making a decision.” Another example: “You never help me clean the house!” Instead, you can say: “Both of us work and have stressful jobs. I am exhausted when I get home. It makes me even more stressed out when I come home and see your coat on the floor. Would you mind hanging it in the closet when you come back from work? I would really appreciate it.”

I also noticed that it has been helpful to my clients to externalize their conflicts. Rather than thinking that it is you against your partner, remember that it’s you two against the problem. Sometimes, we even give the problem a name. For example, “Nancy has been acting up today. I think she wants us to fight about our dirty laundry and dishes, so maybe we should get that done before Nancy has a chance to act up.” Every argument you’ll ever have should be thought about through the lens of how to fix it, rather than how to win it.

Talk to you soon,

Asta

P.S. If you’d like to take a more formal test of the 5 love languages, you can find it here: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/

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How to Fight With Your Partner in a Healthy Way